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Who knows what early development in Sidney Hipple’s life compelled him to be such a predator on himself. Deeply obsessed with sex. Was it his background? His mother and father could never get enough sexual activity. When his mother was pregnant with Sidney, and they’d go to the doctor to find out about the baby, the doctor would see his mother’s vaginal activity was more than frequent. His father was always having sex with his mother, to the point that she was raw. The doctor said, “Mr. Hipple, you’re gonna have to start taking it easy on your wife.” Of course Mrs. Hipple enjoyed it and could never get enough sexual activity herself. His mother’s father’s sexual libido was equally intense as his daughter’s. While on his deathbed dying of cancer, when Sidney’s mother came in to see his father, he wanted to have sex one more time.

So you can understand now, how rich Sidney’s sexual vitality was. Later on, he could never get enough of himself. You know what I mean.

Sidney’s mother and father were divorced soon after he was born. Sidney’s mother would have stayed with his father forever, if he didn’t fool around with other women. As much as he was getting it at home, he was going out and getting more. The shit finally hit the fan when Sidney’s mother came home to find his father in bed with a woman almost twice his age. Sidney’s mother was young, attractive, and willing to give him sex any time he wanted. And his father had had the unmitigate audacity to sleep with an older woman in their own bed, when he had a young vivacious wife at home.

Sidney doesn’t remember too much of his younger years. His mother had told him that his father was dead. In some way, she thought that that would be better for him. Maybe she was ashamed of his father. Later in life Sidney would become ashamed of his father. His mother remarried, and Sidney always seemed to be staying at other people’s homes, instead of with his mother. His mother wanted to drink and have fun. Maybe she wasn’t prepared at that time to be a mother. But years later she would develop that quality.

His mother said that Sidney when he was young was always singing and happy. He never stuttered when he was young, but at some time when he was five years old, from all the confusion in his life, he developed a severe stutter. While living with his mother for a short time, he remembers, she was seeing another man, and had planned on divorcing her second husband, who tended to have a mean streak. Sidney’s mother was concerned for Sidney’s welfare, but more possibily, going out and having a good time.

Her second husband knew people in the Greek mafia, and was extremely jealous. He sent goons looking for her. At midnight she dropped Sidney at her brother’s doorstep with a note, and drove away. I assume that note told his uncle the situation. She hid out in Connecticutt for several years with little contact with her family, until she discovered her second husband had remarried and the coast was clear.

As Sidney started living with his uncle and aunt and his four cousins, they always made him feel like family. But he was confused. He had moved around so much that this was the third second grade class that he was in.

Sidney’s father found out where he was. He was told by Sidney’s mother, because since his mother wasn’t around, he should at least be with one parent. His father Charlie got custody of Sidney. Sidney was told that his father was coming to take him to live with him. He had always thought his father was dead.

It was awkward, Sidney living with his father. He was possibly seven years old, but would have as stable an environment as was possible for him, considering his life situation. His father drank often, and lived in a home with his mother and stepfather. His father was a hand sewer of shoes. When the business dried up, it was hard for him to find work in his trade. Sidney’s father had only gone to maybe the sixth grade. Sidney had never seen him read or write very much beyond his own name.

As the years went by, the living situation in his grandmother’s home would change. His grandmother stopped working, and developed what today you would consider the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Sidney’s father wasn’t prepared to be a father, but he did everything he could to make Sidney feel like his son. He made him motor bikes. Sidney would do chores, chopping wood. After Sidney’s father got into a car accident while driving with a good friend of his, he got a settlement, the price of losing a kidney in a car accident. He bought Sidney a pony, a minibike, and a snow mobile. They would get used up like everything up, it seemed, in Sidney’s life. Sidney was always awkward at school. He could never talk, because he stuttered, but he had good friends in the neighborhood who treated him well.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Sidney Hipple’s father bought him a 1940 DeSoto from a neighbor, so Sidney could practice and drive his father around when he got his license. His father never had his license, and used to attach plates to vehicles that he had purchased, and drive them.

At sixteen, Sidney quit school. They never had much money in the home, and had an account with a small grocery store. Sidney’s father worked off and on with his brother in landscaping, but there was never enough money in the house. Soon after Sidney quit school he started to work at a supermarket. He was always ashamed of his father when he would come in to get money from him. His father never dressed well, and was often intoxicated. At one time when Sidney was living with his father, his mother came to see him, and was disturbed at his current living conditions. She got custody of Sidney, and he lived with her for maybe a year, but it didn’t work out, and he went back to live with his father, who had been heartbroken that he had left.

I wanted to give you a little history on Sidney, so we could possibly understand how he would sometimes isolate himself from reality. As Sidney went through life it was impossible for him to meet women. He stuttered, and was rarely considered interested, except by his close friends, which he had developed all through his life.

Sidney was no longer living at home with his father. He had moved out when he was seventeen, lived with a neighbor, then lived with the family of his best friend Paul. Then he moved in with his boss’s family, when he was working at a gas station after leaving the supermarket. He had fallen in love with his boss’s wife. This was his first strong disappointment that would carry him through life. Eventually his lived with another friend, then at the YMCA, then with another friend, and finally he moved to Tewksbury, Massachusetts, with a friend of his family he knew from the gas station where he was working. All his new friends in Tewksbury made Sidney feel comfortable and part of the crowd. But it was impossible for him to ever meet women.

Later he moved to Lowell, Massachusetts, where he still lives today. He had started to overcome his stuttering, and eventually it would vanish. He thought to himself, he had waited this long to have sex with a woman – now that he could talk, it was going to be someone special. He was on welfare when he came to Lowell, and eventually he started working at a hospital. Although he liked many women in his life, they never cared the same for him.

Being desperately lonely, around 1983, he got friendly with some of the prostitutes in front of his building. Just research for a song, he thought. He was on vacation. There was one that struck him, and he fell in love with her. He talked with her a couple times and got to know her. Soon she would go to prison. He got her name and wrote her in prison. I guess Sidney might have been attracted to the needy type, as he was in need himself. After many visits to her in prison, and tons of letters back and forth, she was going to get out of prison, and they would be together. When Sidney went to pick her up that day at prison, they said that she had left already. His heart was broken. He was angry beyond belief. He had always thought to himself, well, this makes sense, I’m a virgin, so maybe the person I’m meant to be with will be a prostitute. When he saw her back on the street weeks later, it was the hardest thing for him to bear in his life. She was back doing drugs, and back getting in trouble. But he couldn’t help himself, he just wanted to be with somebody, a woman, even if it was the only one he could attract.

A lot of things happened, and eventually she went back to prison. He saw her a few times after that. After not seeing her for a number of years, she got in contact with him. She had gotten custody of her son, and the baby which she had had a few years earlier. As it turned out, she was a lesbian, and lived with her lover. She was working, not taking drugs, and had gotten her life somewhat together. He spent time with them. He would go down and visit. One time they went to the beach, Cannaby Lake Park, in Salem. She encouraged him to get his G.E.D., and he did. He was happy for her.

Sidney had a friend who was a poet in Lowell, who advised him to call his ex-wife when Sidney needed a haircut. They had been divorced for years, and she had a son who was living with her. Her name was Virginia, and she was beautiful. Even when Sidney would sometimes see her at his friend Denis’s room, he was put off by her beauty, although he knew that she was a regular person. When Virginia first saw Sidney, as she was walking by his building with her son, and he pointed him out to her, she thought he was handsome – he would find that out later. He called Virginia to ask for a haircut, and she told him when to come over. They hit it off like you wouldn’t believe. He got the perfect haircut and they talked all night. She enjoyed jazz and all the things that he enjoyed. Some time later he sent her a nice card, because he knew that she was still moving some furniture and belongings from where she lived, and he offered to help. She said sure, she was one of the friendliest, kindest people that Sidney would ever meet. They went down to her old house to gather up her belongings. They made one trip, and went back to the house. They had decided to sleep at the old house and continue moving the next morning. Sidney slept somewhat close to her, even though her son was in the room. It was anything over pawy, but he could feel her body against his. Maybe this was the one. She was the sweetest kindest person that he had ever met in his life. The next morning after they awoke, he told her that he was a virgin. He was now thirty-three, and she was thirty-three. She embraced him, and understood.

That day they finished up moving all the furniture. Sidney felt kind of awkward being with his friend’s ex-wife, and her son, but he adjusted. That Sunday night was his first night in the big bed.

Throughout their relationship, they had the best sex in their life. She told Sidney what she liked, and he did it. That first night in her big bed with her, as they were kissing and he knew that it would be sexual, one of the first things he did was get down and have oral sex with her. She had said she didn’t know how it was down there. To Sidney it didn’t matter.

Although they were like best friends, it didn’t last longer than six months. While they were together, he got a call before Christmas saying that the ex-prostitute Debbie who had changed her life, had hung herself. Luckily his friend Virginia was there to comfort him. It was one of the saddest days in his life, and he would never weep like that again.

After Sidney and Virginia went their own ways, Sidney went on with his life. He was no longer a virgin. At thirty-three, if a woman was a virgin, ooooh, what a specialty. At thirty-three, if you’re a man and a virgin, there’s something wrong.

Sidney Hipple dated a few other women, but none would measure up to his friend Virginia, and he always strived for the next level, the next stage of development, someone even more fantastic, and in tune with him. He and Virginia could talk about anything, and they knew everything about each other’s lives. He put personal ads in papers and met a number of women through that route, but they never worked out. He said to himself, when you’ve had steak, you don’t go down to hamburger. And he was hoping for a tenderloin.

Sidney got involved with the theater, and met many acting friends who would become like his brothers and sisters. He no longer stuttered now. Time to start developing that thing he always wished for – a personality.

The good people in the theater, and all the good people throughout his life, became his role models. As time went by, he forgot about sex – I mean, having sex with a woman. He had a number of blind dates, but they never worked out, they were boring and so pretentious and predictable and dull. Some of them really liked Sidney, and it was hard for him to get away from them. Soon after he got tired of them. They were most likely not into sex anyways, which didn’t matter to him, because he was more concerned with developing a friendship like he had had with Virginia.

All through Sidney’s life, his sexual imagination would go rampant. He couldn’t control himself, he was almost like Superman. He’d get so horny that he’d go inside a bathroom to take care of himself. He had learned that by stiffening his legs, he could orgasm quickly. He developed a deep obsession for pornography, and it controlled him. He also had his vivid imagination. He would never fantasize about women that he had wanted to be with. His obsession went far beyond what anyone would consider excessive. His pornography of women was one part of his fascination. This was the one that was real, that could possibly happen. He collected video tapes of lesbian films, so he could pretend to be either one of the participants. But he had a dark side. A dark side that he hated but couldn’t control. This was the other side of his obsession. When he was in his twenties, he developed this fantasy, which for him would be safe: he would imagine that he could stop time, and do whatever he wanted sexually with whoever he wanted to. There were no limits to this obsession, anything was okay. Because in his mind, the women weren’t being disturbed.

Being involved in the theater, Sidney met a number of interesting women that he wanted to get to know better and possibly date. But they never seemed interested in Sidney.

Now we come to the Queen of Reality, and the night that would change Sidney’s life. (For background, see the Queen of Reality story.)

After the Queen of Reality left that night, she said she would call him on Tuesday, and they would go out. She had always wanted to repay him for the kindness that he had shown her. She had loved music, and he had started to develop songs expressing his feelings toward her. He gave her a tape of this music. He had to let her know how he felt. She had always seemed so attractive to him. He could never figure this out except to consider that they were buddies. He thought about her that weekend. He never thought of her sexually. If he did, he would stop himself. Too much to look forward too. She was young, attractive – what could she possibly see in him? Although she seemed to see everything that he had to offer the world. They were going to be creative partners, do film and music together. They enjoyed hanging out together and could never get enough of each other.

He had known that the Queen’s relationship with her boyfriend seemed to be fading. But he never assumed that they would ever be romantic, as long as she had a boyfriend, and he just enjoyed being with her. He had a sense that she may have had a sexual interest in him, but he ignored it. Sidney had learned never to expect anything, especially when women would say they would call him. But the Queen of Reality always would show up on time when they would get together, and would usually get in contact with him. She had moved out of her boyfriend’s parents’ home, and was now living at home with her parents.

They had planned on going to the Old Worthen on Tuesday, and finally going out and having a drink. Tuesday came: at 6:30 she called. She said she was getting out at 8:30 and would be in Lowell between 9 and 9:30. Sidney asked her what time she had to be home, so he could plan their evening. She said she was going to be sleeping over. In Sidney’s mind he still didn’t think that they were going to have sex, although he knew she was horny as a toad. But probably not for him.

He met her at the 99 about quarter past 9. She wanted to take him in the 99 for a drink and something to eat. He only had four dollars, and said it would be cheaper if they just bought some liquor as they had planned to do anyways also, and go back to Sidney’s pad, get a buzz, and go down to the Old Worthen. She really wanted to take him in for a pina colada, which he had always loved at the 99, but she agreed to buy two bottles instead. He felt terrible about her buying his liquor. She bought a bottle of vodka, which she liked to drink, and he bought a bottle of Bailey’s. They went back to his place, drank, listened to some music – oh, I forgot to tell you, when she called him earlier that evening, she had said how much she enjoyed the music that he had created for her, and had repeatedly listened to it. So they listened to a little music – of his, of course. She had enjoyed listening to anything he had done. He played an old VCR tape of one of his family outings from over thirteen years before. She enjoyed it.

Quarter of eleven came by, and they decided not to go down to the Old Worthen after all. Sidney was starting to get a little bit of a buzz. They walked outside for a little bit and chatted incessantly as they always did, then went back inside. They went inside Sidney’s living room, and he put on a video tape of one his favorite comedy sketch programs, called “Mr. Show.” Sidney was a gentleman, he was always a gentleman. The whole evening she sat on the couch and he had sat on his chair. After a few minutes of Mr. Show, she invited him to sit on the couch, which he did. Sidney had stopped himself from getting any ideas or any expectations about having the change to be romantic. The Queen loved the show, and as they watched it, they slowly started to get connected. Sidney wasn’t about to make a move – who would know if he would be rejected again? But he had a feeling that she wanted to be romantic. He had already drunk the whole bottle of Bailey’s, and three of four shots from her vodka. He didn’t feel intoxicated – his family could always hold their liquor. But it was much more than he usually drank. He wanted to have fun with his buddy.

So as they were sitting there, he put his hand on her arm, and moved her foot onto the couch. Sidney felt was he was young, like he was seventeen with his first romance. She had told him once that she had been sexually abused as a child, and he always took that into consideration when thinking about getting sexually involved with her, and its consequences. Their limbs moved slowly, like two lovers having romance for the first time, accepting the cosiness of each other. And finally it happened. They started kissing like crazy. Sidney had never had the opportunity to kiss Virginia like he was kissing the Queen. After maybe ten minutes, fifteen minutes of kissing and crunching each other’s bodies together, he asked her if she wanted to go in the bedroom. Of course she said yes. His dream had come true.

When they went in the bedroom, he laid on the bed, and she laid on his stomach. Now he had cared for her more than anything else in the world, and he would never do it with anybody else, unless he felt as strongly as he felt for her. He thought his dream would come true as she laid on his chest, that he would be able to have oral sex on her, but she mounted him instead. Now Sidney was aroused, as he had started to get aroused in the living room on the couch, even when their bodies touched. But something wasn’t right, he didn’t know what it was. But he went with whatever was happening. All he wanted to do was please her.

She had said that she had been fantasizing about Sidney for months. When Sidney had sex with Virginia, the only comfortable position was the missionary position. Virginia and him had tried it once with her on top, and it was extraordinarly uncomfortable. When the Queen mounted him, it was also uncomfortable, but pleasurable at the same time. She had had a whole scenario on how the night was going to be. He told her he wanted to eat her so bad. She said that she had a virus or something down there and that wasn’t possible. She started to give him oral sex. This was surprising, because he had told her that he never really enjoyed oral sex. This too became uncomfortable. During all this time, they would stop and kiss while they were making love. She told him to enter her from behind, and his stamina was unusual for a man of his age. But he had always had a lot of stamina. But something wasn’t right. He had thought that he cared about her so much, and he would be so aroused, that he wouldn’t have to stiffen his legs to produce an orgasm, but something wasn’t right. She took it as a sign of him not being sexually aroused by her. He knew that wasn’t the case. He had told that he had masturbated earlier in the day, and she said, “Didn’t you know I was coming over?” He said, “I didn’t think anything was going to happen, and I did it before you called.” But that never mattered with Sidney. Sometimes him and Virginia would have sex two or three times in an evening. She told him that he could touch her, and he put his finger where he had always hoped it would be. Harry (the name he called his penis) seemed to be falling asleep. She had always said that she could never have a climax with a man, unless she also rubbed her clit. He kept on telling her, he didn’t care about him being pleased, he just wanted her to be pleased. She asked him if he had ever fantasized about her. He said, no, sometimes a little bit, but he never wanted to get his hopes up. She made it sound like she had masturbated thinking about him dozens of times. He told her that if anything he had imagined them masturbating together. She said, okay, but Harry wasn’t coming to life. He knew it was useless. She still had her bra on the whole time, and the underwear, which seemed strange. They decided to go back into the living room. He could tell that she had a sense that he was not a very good sex partner, or wasn’t turned on by her – which was certainly not the case. As they were sitting on the couch, he asked her why she had not shown her his breasts, and she said that she was ashamed of them since she had had a baby. She took off her bra to show him her breasts, and they looked perfectly normal. They realized that because he was so intoxicated, his alcohol content was so high, that was the possibly the reason, which as it turned out, was true. She told him she felt she had to get him intoxicated and loosened up to be able to have sex with him. They sat on the couch together and talked continuously until the early hours of the morning.

It was around 6:30, and she needed to get her work schedule from her car. She was going to walk out to her car naked with the blanker wrapped around her, when Sidney insisted that he would get it for her. He got it and she found out she had to be at work at 2:00. At 7:00 Sidney knew that if he fell asleep, he would have to sleep at least a couple of hours, and she preferred to sleep in a room alone. He decided to go to work, and sleep a little there. She had fallen asleep and he put the story that he had written about her in her bag, with another story and a video tape of a performance that she had recorded of him.

He went to work, slept for a couple of hours. At 10:00 the main truck of the day came in, and he unloaded it. At 11 he decided to skip off and go home to see how she was doing, and to find out what time she needed to get up.

As he walked in the door, she awoke from the living room, and he asked her if she needed anything. She got dressed and they went down to Dunkin Donuts. She bought tea for herself and coffee for him. They sat and chatted as they always did. She had told him that one of her friends – when she had talked about him – thought that he had just wanted her for sex, but she knew that was not the case. He was the only man who didn’t look at her as a sexual object. They went back to his home before she had to go back to work. They sat on the front steps again, and talked and got cosy.

He started to tell her about this obsession that he had – not the magazine obsession, the stopping time obsession, but he could not bear to say it, even though he knew that she would understand. She started to tell him about her abuse when she was younger. He asked her what age it started. She said it started at nine years old with an older man, and later on with another man, and later on with a woman. She always talked about it with no emotion, which seemed unusual because she seemed to accept it. She had once said that she started masturbating when she was five years old, and Sidney could see that she felt more like a willing participant than a victim, which she had been. It was time for her to go to work. They walked to her vehicle, they kissed and embraced, and kissed again and embraced, and she followed him through Lowell to the highway. Before they left, he said that he would be playing again on Wednesday, and as they sat on the front steps before she left, he had told her how much more she was inside, and how much she was like a missing piece of a puzzle.

Sidney went back to work, but his life was changed. As he was at work for the rest of the day, he realized that all the signs were saying that this was an opportunity for him to change. The old fantasies inside his head were now gone. When he got home, Harry still wasn’t feeling too good. He kind of took it as a sign of maybe he was losing his libido because of what had happened. But that was not the case. The next day Harry came back to life.

That next morning when he woke up early, it had already decided what he was going to do. This was going to be a turning point in his life. She had asked him what he fantasized about, but he couldn’t tell her. Some of it he could. But he knew he could tell her if it was no longer an essential component in his existence. He gathered all the pornography that he had beneath his bed, and threw it in the dumpster, along with all his video tapes. He had done this sometimes before in the past, but would always come back to it. This time he knew it wouldn’t be the same. He had a strong visual realistic image now to focus on when he took care of himself. And who better than someone who had thought of him that way? As he thought about their sexual experience, and how different it was from his with Virginia, because he had so little control, it made him realize, because of her controlling the sex, that she was doing the same thing that the sexual predators had done to her when she was younger. He felt like the victim. The pain and pleasure that he had gone through, he could see was identical to hers. He knew how she felt now. This was a revelation. She had done the one thing that he was never able to do throughout it life – to banish his sexual fixations. They had controlled him, he had been powerless.

As the days went on, he thought about what was going to happen next. Would she tell her boyfriend? Could he ever be with him again if she didn’t? Would there be a break with her boyfriend? Would she have the courage? He knew that he could not be with her sexually again, unless she did. It was a loose end that would eventually strangle them. Her boyfriend had always been there for her, if her vehicle broke down or anything happened. She could call him at any hour, and he would be there. Sidney would also be there for her, but he knew he would never have the financial means to help her out in a pinch.Sidney remembered a saying he had head recently.”Your principles are only important when it is inconvenient”.

Well, dear friends, what do you think will happen next? Sidney has extinguished his obsessions. She has told him that he is handsome. She has told him that he has the body of a man in his twenties. More than likely, she would show up on Wednesday at the open mike where he would be playing as planned. What do you think is going to happen? We won’t know until that Wednesday. But Sidney needs to tell her all he has discovered about himself and her. Their strongest asset is their great ability to communicate and express anything to each other. If she says that she can’t leave her boyfriend, he would naturally have to say that they could not have sex again. Sidney was not about to mention that when she left, and it was not even in his mind, but he knew he wanted to be with her more than anything else in the world, and her with him. If they never slept together again, will Sidney go on? I’m afraid so. She’s created a monster. And now that he has his confidence up, and going through this experience, he’s much more prepared in the future. We all know what will happen if she says she has told her boyfriend that it’s over, because like a lot of women she goes from boyfriend for boyfriend. Sidney had hoped she would break up with him before she got romantically involved with Sidney. Sidney’s honor told him that he would never sleep with another man’s woman. He would never want that for himself, and could never do it to anyone else.

At the very least what will happen is that she will remain his creative partner, as they had always palnned. Sidney was in doubt that they would be together, and that’s all he cared about, more than anything else. It wasn’t the sex, which compared to Virginia, was the worst sex he had ever had in his life. But he knew it could be better. After all, she had mentioned that she can have oral sex, if she takes a shower before and after sex, and he told her how nice her breasts were, and they were, so maybe she can take off her bra next time. The next time he sees her is going to be an insight-filled experience. Even now, as much as they care for each other, Sidney still does not have himself convinced that he will be with her. But then again, he never thought she’d get him drunk and take advantage of him, either.

As Sidney waited to go to the open mic at the sugar shack that wendsday

He had a strange sense that as usual his hopes would go unnoticed and be unfulfilled.He felt like he would be casted aside again.If it happened he was prepared to still go forward in life with whatever dreams he had left.Why did he feel this way after all he had been through with the queen? If anything he wanted to at least tell her of his transformation and how it came about because of her caring for him and believing in him so strongly.Would he still believe in himself?Of course he would.He had gone through so much in life and endured so much pain that he knew that no matter what happened he would learn and continue to grow into the person he knew he was to become.